Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Illness,Thoughts | Wednesday, July 2nd, 2014

This afternoon the panic came back so strong I had to force myself to sleep before the nausea overwhelmed me. Even then, as I laid on the pressure inside my chest, I worried that I could throw up in my sleep from the thoughts consuming me. It’s that old familiar realization that the currents have taken a hold and my body will be swept into whatever jagged rocks the world deems me worthy of. Free will is just an illusion inside of these channels. Yeah, my mind may tell me that I’m making a choice because it’s more reassuring to choose unwisely than it is to accept that I’m just a terrible person who is bound to fail and fail again. My friends try to convince me I have an opportunity to look at the positive. I cannot show them that this already is the positive without exposing enough of myself to make them hate me nearly as much as I hate myself. How can you convince a person that they deserve better when you don’t even know who they are? Why can’t they see the truths in the pain behind my eyes? I am so tired of sweating and thinking and trying to hide. I wish it were time to sleep already. It certainly is dark outside, but I still have so much suffering to do.

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