It Seems…

Stephen Pimley | Family,Friends,Illness,Memories,Thoughts | Thursday, July 31st, 2008

…That I have lost a friend but gained far more respect for myself than I’ve ever had before today.  If there is anyone else in the world that has publicly denounced themselves as much as I have I’d be surprised.  I don’t always know what the right path is.  I don’t even consistently do what is right even when it’s plain and clear.  I can hate myself for a million mistakes.  I can hate myself for a million sins of omission when I stood idly by and watched something horrible happen.  However my previous failings may be, today I can do nothing but love myself for doing everything I could attempting to save a person’s life even when that person didn’t want my help at all.  I contacted her friends and family begging them all to take a hand in bringing her back to safety.  In the end it turned out I was mislead in places and acting on partially erroneous information about the present danger.  I was ridiculed for acting out of turn in a dire situation where I felt no safer or more rational options could be found.  This person managed to miraculously turn their own life around to a good degree in the time being.  I am nothing but pleased this woman had the strength of will to finally bring herself out of a depth nobody should tread.  This is where I’m supposed to say that had I known this would happen I’m not sure I would have done anything differently.  The thing is, I would have probably chickened out and done nothing if I thought she was in less danger than I did.  I would have chickened out and she would have got a “get out of jail free” card from a truly dreadful decision she made all of her own accord.  She hates me for it and I don’t blame her one bit.  Before I acted I stewed upon the thought of how betrayed I would feel in the same position.  What it came down to was, would I rather be saved myself?  I made a choice in which for possibly the first time in my life there is no doubt, no fault to be found.  Nothing can take that away from me in all my days left.  I hope you read this someday.  I hope you believe it the next.*

*It is not you versus the world.  It’s you with the world.  Sooner or later you have to learn how to flow or you are doomed to be pulled under by the darkest oil-slick currents our seas can toss at you.  I am probably worse at it than anyone else I’ve known personally.  For most of my life I was stiff and lifeless and letting myself drown because it seemed merely a quicker shot to the same end.   You knew me then and you tried to help even when I fought you at every turn.  I know now that I was far beyond lucky to have the supportive family I have.  No doubt I would not have made it without them.  Please don’t hold that against me or anyone else and use it to convince yourself there is no hope.  Whatever the pain of your situation is, please always remember that SOMEONE loves you even where you can’t see it.  Now that I’m kicking against the currents I’d appreciate it if I saw your head bobbing with mine.  You are stronger than you can believe.  Now show everyone else.

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