Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Family,Illness | Sunday, October 27th, 2013

Another explosive argument with the mom unit. The culmination was her screaming and crying, “I guess my memory is just always wrong because I’m a big fat fucking liar.” She still refuses to see a therapist because she went to one briefly five years ago and therefore she is the expert on whether or not it would help her. She claimed to recall a conversation we had in which I told her all the people in my support group were complaining about how their parents raised them. This conversation never happened. The real conversation only had me making a joke about that which I clearly explained to her was just a joke afterwards. Her memory is so terrible she takes fragments of conversations and twists them with her imagination to fill in the blanks. This would be entirely understandable if just once in her entire fucking life she would admit that this happens and not adamantly defend her false memories digging her heels in until she loses her shit.

{Edit}
I should note that at no point in the conversation did I even call her a liar. Some times in the past I have lost my temper and said it but I held my tongue this time. Still, she accused me of “always calling [her] a liar”, to which I asked, “Did I just call you a liar?” “Well… You always call me a liar!” {Again} “Did I or did I not call you a liar? Just be honest.” This only makes it worse with her. Her brain can’t cope with the fact that reality and her emotions are out of sync with each other.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Friends,Illness,Thoughts | Sunday, October 27th, 2013

Do you ever get so tired you can’t even produce body heat anymore? I was staying up in case she responded to my text messages and I even tried to exercise to reinvigorate myself. Instead, I literally fell asleep standing in my bathroom holding my dumbbells at my side. Then I took a shower and I was so damn cold I kept turning the water up hotter and hotter until the dial wouldn’t go any further. I felt like my skin should have been burning but my nerves weren’t capable of carrying the signal to my brain anymore. Somehow I managed to forget to dry my hair and I was about to drop into my bed when I realized my head felt cold because it was still wet. After all of that I only slept five hours and I woke up with no idea of what day it was. I was sure I had slept for 17+ hours until I looked at the clock on my phone.

I feel like such a sad lonely loser for missing her when we’ve never even met. Just knowing she was so close was reassuring to me. I don’t think I can even explain it properly. It’s like with my old friends from school that still live in this area. I haven’t seen any of them since 2000-2001 but I am somewhat comforted by knowing that if I could ever overcome my anxiety they are still within driving distance. This is one of the many reasons I am afraid to move when my parents leave the area and I have nowhere left to live. I never learned how to make new friends in person and I feel like if I move my new kid on the block get out of loser jail free card will wear out in my pocket long before I meet a single person.

Through all of this there is still that familiar voice in my head that says I deserve to die cold, alone, and homeless for all that I’ve done to ruin the lives of others.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Family,Illness,Thoughts | Tuesday, October 22nd, 2013

I woke up shortly before midnight. My mother lectured me about how I absolutely had to buy milk before morning so they could have cereal. I went driving to pick up that and some protein bars. Instead of taking the direct route home I got on the highway and just drove the opposite direction so I could relax and give the car some exercise. When I got back to my neighborhood I couldn’t make the U-turn I needed because six out of eight lanes of the highway were closed for an accident with a tractor trailer and a SUV. I kept driving and got on another highway. I circled back around and came home from the opposite direction I left from. I opened the refrigerator to put the milk away and there was another gallon my father had already brought home earlier today. I’m pretty sure this experience can double as a metaphor for my life in general.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Family,Illness | Friday, October 18th, 2013

I went to the Concerned Families of Fairfax County meeting tonight on recommendation from members of my BPD support group. The Executive Director of the CSB (Community Services Board) was there to speak to their list of concerns about mental health services provided by the county through the CSB. I had read over the concerns list in a forwarded email but I am not at all familiar with the group or any background on what has changed so far. So basically I just planted myself on the far side and listened to what the county is trying to improve upon in terms of providing mental health services and subsidized housing. I got some contact information for a person at the CSB that could go over housing options for me should I be left homeless when my father retires and my parents move out the state in 2-3 years.

I did start to have a panic attack during the middle of the meeting but I got it under control after a few minutes. I could feel sweat dripping down the center of my chest under my shirt and I got paranoid that I wasn’t holding my face in the right position. I kept moving my mouth around trying to find something similar to what a “normal” face would look like. Sometimes my social awkwardness and inexperience really gets to me when very simple ordinary tasks elude my ability to compensate for my illness.

I guess the big story of the night is that a helped a nice lady with a physical disability get her wheelchair out of her van after the chair lift broke down in the parking lot. First I attempted to follow the instructions of a mechanic on the phone on how to reconnect the loose cable but for the life of me I couldn’t find where it was supposed to plug into. Maybe if there had be some bright overhead lights in the parking lot I could have managed. I ended up using the manual crank box to get the lift leveled so she could get onto it. Then as carefully as I could I pumped on the release crank to lower her down. After cranking the lift back up her mother(?) discovered that the hydraulic controls were working well enough for lifting that she was certain they could get her back into the van. I hope they got home alright and they get the lift fixed soon. I am normally pretty adept at fixing things but without prior knowledge of what the device looked like I was as clueless as can be.

Okay enough writing for now I really need to take a ton of ibuprofen because I took my paroxetine nine hours late and I already have a terrible withdrawal headache.

2004-10-28

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Friends,Illness | Monday, October 14th, 2013

ex-girlfriend (7:04:31 PM): please don’t

Societal Eclipse (1:59:01 AM): Don’t what?

ex-girlfriend (2:19:25 AM): talk to me
ex-girlfriend (2:19:27 AM): go away

Societal Eclipse (2:19:35 AM): Why?
Societal Eclipse (2:21:41 AM): Does it pain you so much to even explain your stance on this subject?

ex-girlfriend (2:22:07 AM): yeah, i’d reallyprefer to just leave it at that

Societal Eclipse (2:22:16 AM): Forever?

ex-girlfriend (2:22:19 AM): there’s not a whole lot to it
ex-girlfriend (2:22:23 AM): WE HAVEN’T HAD A CONVERSATION IN YEARS
ex-girlfriend (2:22:29 AM): i don’t care anymore, haven’t in years

Societal Eclipse (2:22:36 AM): Whose choice was that [redacted name]?

ex-girlfriend (2:22:37 AM): you’re pathetic
ex-girlfriend (2:22:40 AM): MINE
ex-girlfriend (2:22:43 AM): i don’t WANT TO

Societal Eclipse (2:22:45 AM): Exactly.

ex-girlfriend (2:23:31 AM): i wish you no ill will but i honestly don’t give a good goddamn about you

Societal Eclipse (2:23:43 AM): The reason for that is?

ex-girlfriend (2:25:51 AM): you’re pathetic
ex-girlfriend (2:25:56 AM): you’re useless

Societal Eclipse (2:26:03 AM): I don’t know this somehow?

ex-girlfriend (2:26:09 AM): maybe not, i don’t care
ex-girlfriend (2:26:29 AM): your personality hasn’t developed past that of a teenager

Societal Eclipse (2:26:30 AM): So your opinion of the world is just to give up on the useless people, as you get to define?

ex-girlfriend (2:26:38 AM): why not?
ex-girlfriend (2:26:44 AM): why should i let someone else drag me down?
ex-girlfriend (2:26:47 AM): for what reason?

Societal Eclipse (2:26:50 AM): This is coming from someone who took two years to even speak her mind.
Societal Eclipse (2:26:56 AM): [redacted name] who dragged me down?
Societal Eclipse (2:27:00 AM): Was it not you?

ex-girlfriend (2:27:09 AM): maybe
ex-girlfriend (2:27:11 AM): deal with it
ex-girlfriend (2:27:13 AM): an dleave me alone

Societal Eclipse (2:27:44 AM): Yeah I’ll leave you alone in your perfection. Wouldn’t want to mar your world with a presence you tainted with your very hand.

ex-girlfriend (2:27:48 AM): thanks

Societal Eclipse (2:28:19 AM): Why couldn’t you have told me the truth when I asked you if I would ever be invited to your wedding?
Societal Eclipse (2:28:27 AM): What harm did you think I would cause?

ex-girlfriend (2:29:05 AM): huh? my wedding? i don’t even remember this conversation

ex-girlfriend (2:29:22 AM): perhaps it was so long ago that at that point i still cared a little but PEOPLE CHANGE
ex-girlfriend (2:29:26 AM): well, most people change, you do not
ex-girlfriend (2:29:44 AM): i recommend it

Societal Eclipse (2:29:47 AM): That’s funny you haven’t made the slightest effort to even learn if I have changed or not.

ex-girlfriend (2:29:49 AM): now why are you still bothering me

Societal Eclipse (2:30:26 AM): Probably because I’m such a horrible person.

ex-girlfriend signed off at 2:30:27 AM.

admin | Daily Life,Illness | Friday, October 11th, 2013

I had intended to go to a NAMI support group for the first time on Tuesday at noon. My illness had different plans however. When I woke up the first thing I did was look in the mirror and there was a tiny scab on the tip of my nose. Of course, my immediate reaction was to start picking at it until it became a big scab with an irritated welt of pink skin around it. Then I was like okay there is no way I can go to a new group today; everybody will be staring at my nose. Even having learned my lesson (for the 12,741st time mind you) the next day I was at it again but this time with tiny blackheads on my nose that probably nobody else can see unless they are four inches from the mirror like I am. I haven’t left the house since… I don’t remember, sometime last week? My skin is healing now and I’ve been putting off grocery shopping since the beginning of the week (again, for the same reasons). I will try to go later today so my parents don’t starve to death and/or eat the cats. Oh and last night I finally sent the email I had written to the facilitator of the NAMI support group. I was nervous about sending it before I was 100% sure if I could get to the next meeting because then I would feel like a failure and a disappointment if I didn’t show.

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