Stephen Pimley | Computer | Thursday, June 19th, 2014

My fat kitty-shaped cutaway got bigger and floppier ears a few days ago. I did some grinding on this case (CM 690 II Advanced) early last year to fit my Swiftech H220 radiator. As you can see in the first closeup, I didn’t remove enough material that time and the hose clamps were resting on the top panel and keeping the radiator from sitting flush. I really should switch to using a Dremel or something equivalent in the future. This 40+ year old drill has a much lower RPM and higher torque making it very difficult to keep the grinding stone from bucking all over and ruining the finish. After this second round the front hose finally has full clearance to move slightly and the radiator can sit flush. Unfortunately, I had underestimated how much material to remove from the back cutout. The screw frame for the clamp sits on the top panel and severely restricts movement. It is workable for the moment but had I more energy I would have gone back and finished the job. The painter’s tape I added to the edges is just to protect the tubing from potentially sharp edges while I move the radiator back and forth frequently with this project. I now have in my possession a nice roll of black tape that I will use in the future to match the case.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Illness,Thoughts | Thursday, June 19th, 2014

I am taking it as a sign that the paroxetine has almost completely cleared my system now that spontaneous panic attacks unrelated to anything happening in the present have returned to assail any attempt at peace of mind. So much for my little experiment. I was hoping some of the things I have learned along the way while medicated for the last couple of years would have kept them at bay. I am so drenched in sweat from this anxiety it hasn’t even been eight hours since my last shower and I feel like I need to cleanse myself again. I don’t think anyone without this affliction could understand how debilitating it is when every little random object around the house can thrust the mind deep into a cocoon of the darkest memories. Then there are the totally irrational daydreams about hypothetical worst case scenarios that consume me for hours on end. How could I possibly be any use to the world when I can’t even shampoo my hair without getting lost in the darkness? Did I really shampoo or have I just been running my fingers through my hair all of this time? I can’t remember… I just know that I still feel dirty and another thirty minutes locked in a small steamy room with my demons couldn’t hurt. Never clean, never calm, and never safe. The only comfort I can find anymore comes in watching the horizon for the approaching end. I think I can feel it trickling in and it tastes a whole lot like stale sweat and goodbyes dead on my lips.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Illness,Thoughts | Thursday, June 12th, 2014

It is too easy to ignore and distract myself from the scope of my mental illness until a change in my environment lets all those realizations rush in through the spillway. Feeling like I do now, it is so clear why I had to go all those years using to just get through the night without putting my scars on my arm or worse. It’s not so much “highs and lows” as constantly hanging on a precipice with suicide below and the rare social contact I have as tiny and ever-crumbling rocks jutting out of the side. I might get a toehold and something to hang onto temporarily, but nothing is ever solid and I often fall asleep with hands bleeding from a stone designed to fit every palm but my own. Support groups are no help. They don’t know me and I haven’t the time or the ego left to sacrifice making that happen. This looming void also makes my OCD more pronounced because one of the only ways I can avoid self-destructive measures is to engage in prolonged reality avoidance trips with music and closed eyes, video games, or locking myself in the guest bedroom with a good book. That doesn’t sound too bad does it? Well yeah, when you consider that no progress is made in any of the remaining hours of the day and a person with no job or education can not simply self-care leisure themselves 24/7 through life on someone else’s dime. I think a lot about how much better off my family would be financially without me around. I make plans to save them a large wad of cash to pay for my funeral. I get sadder knowing they wouldn’t even have the knowledge or energy to sell my CDs and computer parts for top dollar to help dig themselves out of the debt I have contributed so much to.

Stephen Pimley | Daily Life,Friends,Illness,Thoughts | Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

I don’t know if this was the right thing to do or not but I deactivated my Facebook account Sunday morning. I find it too triggering because I can’t exercise enough self control to not check it ritually. If I didn’t have OCD then I could probably get by just fine. I wish I had the ability to limit how frequently I look for any new messages or check if my “friends” have finally bothered to read the messages I sent them days or weeks ago. Alas it is far too depressing for me to log in and see everyone else able to put up at least an outward image of maturity and progress in their lives while it takes every ounce of willpower I have just to keep from regressing.

It wasn’t until moments after I deactivated it that I realized I needed to get back on by the 26th to contact a member of Active Minds about a group we made tentative plans to attend. I have no other way of contacting her and I really wanted to see what the community was doing about mental illness awareness and suicide prevention at the high school level. As far as I can tell from their website, this new group has similar goals to Active Minds and sprung up locally after a series of suicides in county high schools.

Stephen Pimley | Cooking | Wednesday, June 11th, 2014

LorAnn Oils flavorings: blueberry, strawberry, cherry, tangerine, blackberry, and apricot.

LorAnn Oils flavorings

My package from LorAnn Oils arrived today. I’ve been looking forward to having more options for flavoring the seltzer from my SodaStream. I don’t have any plans to bake with them at the moment but I am sure they will come in handy some boring night when I get a sudden impulse to make some muffins.

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